1 post tagged “e-commerce”

So many wonderful ideas for the Yuletide season, from the smoothest-talking love man this side of the Dick Cheney hisself, or maybe Genghis "Smoove B" Khan. Some real gems throughout, and never let it be said that the Great Gazoo misrepresents his desired clientele:

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Don't be fooled by the list of crap that reads more like Deuce Bigelow's garage sale; these are HOT BIG-TICKET ITEMS. Act now. Supplies are limited. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. And dude, I saw the Brown Bunny, and if you're eight inches, then I've been selling myself short my whole goddamned life.