Interviewed by the Progressive:

Q: What is your take on Hillary’s Presidential bid?

Black: I can’t do it. The first time around they did a basically decent job of running government and keeping a stable atmosphere in the country. But they created a psychotic whirlwind around themselves, and I’m not ready to go back to that psychotic whirlwind. And people may have forgotten, but Hillary destroyed any possibility of a government-run health care program. She should go away for a little bit. Even Nixon went away for a little bit. You don’t get things the first go around. You have to work for it. And granted, living with Bill is working for it, but it’s not enough.

Q: And Obama?

Black: Would a few more years’ experience hurt? I mean, he beat Alan Keyes, for God’s sake. A Doberman could’ve beaten Keyes. Now, I think Obama’s very good and very smart and may bring something fresh, but I am not comfortable with anyone that age taking office in this current political climate. Ultimately, what I would really like to see is a Republican and a Democrat crossing over lines and running together and saying, “Fuck you!” to the status quo.

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This invention just might save the universe. The golfing universe!

Fore!

• Ideal for people with mobility difficulties.
• Great for people who stopped playing due to age related issues.
• Fun for everyone, including youngsters
• It's a safe way to play. You have more control than with a club.
• No time for practice? Now you can still enjoy the game.
• Eliminates slow play
• Hunting enthusiasts love it!
• Puts the fun back in golf.
• Gets more players on the course, increasing course revenues.

*** Updates: The reviews are in:

• It's important to note that having a serviceable mullet is an integral part of making this product work.

• One thing's for sure - you won't be beating Tiger Woods anytime soon even with this, unless you shoot him with it.

• On a slightly different (and it seems potentially way more powerful) product: "The BATF and Boom has ruled that these launchers are NOT considered firearms or destructive devices after considerable head scratching on their part."

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Rove / Nixon

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For Public Interest

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Steve Young (not the Mormon (!) QB, the comedy writer) breaks down why (and how) the weedy fascist is bringing funny back:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards," said Coulter, "but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,' so I'm . . . kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards, so I think I'll just conclude here and take your questions."

See? Within context the humor works beautifully on so many levels. Edward IS a presidential candidate and we all know he's rich as a very successful lawyer. Knocking the powerful down a few pegs is a super staple of classic satire. The almost effortlessly blending of "rehab" into the commentary brings to mind so many of the contemporary political and cultural icons who have ended up in one rehab or another. If nothing else, it's hip, and hip spells satire. Not literally. More allegorically. But what's even funnier? She never took a single question. Bam! Irony at its best.

See how she did that? There's a shoutout to her troubled Republican homegirl Britney Spears, and a sweeping dis of all queers in comparing them to John Edwards, successfully completing the 7-10 split of comedy.

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From CSI: Miami, the 1001 Impeccable, Identical Punchlines of David Caruso.

These shades sound like Roger Daltrey's in pain

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So many wonderful ideas for the Yuletide season, from the smoothest-talking love man this side of the Dick Cheney hisself, or maybe Genghis "Smoove B" Khan. Some real gems throughout, and never let it be said that the Great Gazoo misrepresents his desired clientele:

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Don't be fooled by the list of crap that reads more like Deuce Bigelow's garage sale; these are HOT BIG-TICKET ITEMS. Act now. Supplies are limited. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. And dude, I saw the Brown Bunny, and if you're eight inches, then I've been selling myself short my whole goddamned life.

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